Notes from Paranoia: Trust!!

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“Follow your heart they say, Use your head they say. Adding no direction the blind spiral, only in an attempt to sound like they helped!”

My mind and my heart love to play games, they indulge in a pentathlon of give and takes. On the looping itinerary I see the classics, tug of war, hide and seek and explosive bouts that last for seemingly infinite rounds. As destructive as they can be, the rubble the ruckus leaves behind serves as perfect tinder to keep the fires of my curiosity burning. The ambient question mark hooks me with curiosity, which burns bright as I hunger for answers. Trust is on the menu today. Today, like many other days, it’s unknowingly pirouetting on the spit as I chew on the concept. However, my hunger to know, knows no nourishment yet.

What is trust?

PARANOIA

“Trust means blunting my blade. Trust is ailing my dependency on me. Trust ignores the strange faces and is lax with the loose lips that leak lies and disguise truth. It’s putting a piece of me in some else’s hand and hoping they are sure footed. Hoping there going where they said there going, to do the things they said they would do and not barter away the piece of me I placed into their hands and waved off.”

Real trust is hard to earn, it’s not the sole purpose of an interaction but definitely enriches it’s quality. We always have an opportunity to deposit a little more trust into ever growing relationships. Trust can be built up, but will always fall short of absolute. This isn’t to spite the few you hold close, it’s quite the opposite. This bottomless reservoir plays in their favour, as it’s always provides room for more trust, new levels to ascend to in the wonderful and weird world of relationships, plutonic and otherwise.

Sadly, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Trust can be lost, at far greater speeds than it takes to build it up. It happens and unfortunately we see it, sometimes you see someone bring their trust into the frame and it’s a weary vision. Tattered and plagued with patches, stitched firmly on with sweet and sour threads of hope and anger. The picture is subtle but there to be seen. Telling so much about a person but yet giving away so little. In the perfect world, badly placed trust wouldn’t be an issue, but bad investment are very much alive as this high risk, high reward aspect of living plays a leading role in the tale of interpersonal relations.

“I can’t tell you who to trust and why, I cant feed stock to this concept when the winters of cold hearts have left you brittle, shoulders chipped and wondering “why?” . You’ve been unduly introduced to a reality where altruism, is an untrue “ism”. Where it makes sense that if self preservation is too imprinted in human nature, the well being of another is surely an after thought…”

As I look at trust, Turning it this way and that, tirelessly hoping to learn, I fail. The same part of me that feeds trust life, obscures it to my logic. The emotions, the reasoning, the never ending ballet of heart and mind. Depending on the day, trust looks very different to me. I see this familiar stranger and know I can both trust and distrust, out of respect. I’ve seen what you can do!!!

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Notes from Paranoia: DIY

“It’s so silly, it just might work” Said the non existent voice in my head!

Just my luck, It worked!! It worked very well the first time, went as swimmingly the second time. In fact, it continued it’s hot streak through the next 7 times that followed the third. All hands on deck!! There is a breach in my minds reality!!

Defying expectations is a blessing and a curse, a double edged sword that cuts swiftly through a poorly constructed picture of reality. Apart from dealing out a refreshed look at life, leaving you feeling like the protagonist who discovers his power of flight, It can also feel very much like discovering a broken egg in the midst of unpacking your groceries. Stay with me here! It’s not the worst thing to happen, but annoying none the less, you can’t help but frantically turn over every egg in search for anything else that’s broken, and anything that isn’t as it should be. Having been right for so long, it’s understandable to doubt the standards by which we measure plausibility when we, ourselves, defy what we thought to be right. When we take a step into the grey areas of our minds and suddenly see turquoise and green, the questions cry out in cannon. Crying out in cannons and muskets of what ifs and whys waging war on the mind frame that proved it’s self… Inadequate.

It goes without saying that we all look at life through different lenses. Similar situations morph under individual perspective. This lens is bent and moulded by the route life takes us through, every now and then life throws us a little something new and updates our prescription.

PARANOIA
“Manners don’t cost?! The concept offends me!! Because I’ve known the truth, I’ve felt the truth!! The fear of offending the soft and hard edges gives them permission to solidify, and balloon irrationally. Only serving to cripple those curious toes that will teach you more than those arrogant books. The scholars implied fire could burn, the hot embers just screamed at me. They scream at me!! I can still hear them now…. Never again”

Notes from Paranoia: introduction

I’d like to open with the following statement

The views and opinions expressed by “paranoia” do not represent the values of this page

It had to be said, it had to be done. The flamboyant thoughts that occasionally colour my otherwise rational mind aren’t anywhere close to taking over my logic, at least not by number, but they pose a threat to my self proclaimed homeostasis. These vivid and vibrant strands of ever growing and fraying notions often loiter in the cool grey corners of my mind that tolerate logic and rule.

This mix can be volatile, often leading to unpredictable explosions. Birthing a vulgar bi products that resembles reason, and emanates the voice of a pretentious pseudo intellectual. I’m still wondering if it’s satire in it’s driest form or cause for concern. I’ll leave it with you, the reader.

“Awkwardness is a fictitious paradigm designed to validate the irrational judgment of deviation from unjustified social expectations.”

My eye brows tingle.

Prodigal Child

Prodigal Child

This is a piece dedicated to the dispute within myself about where I am now, in relation to my heritage (Zambia). No matter where I am I always remember the role that my home country has played in building the person i am now. I often feel that need to reconnect and reaffirm that connection.

Recognition

The silent cheers sicken me, my presence denied

I hope that scope and seasoning embellish my mind

Augment my arsenal and war my disdain

In the chambers of neigh Sayers let boredom sustain.

The lack of skill and timing tortures my dream

From ambition and destination I’m caught in between.

Maybe in time ill dance within that vector of fire

Filled with the gusto that adventure requires,

Then maybe my potential gains the respect I desire

And my Icy cold hide can shed its detest for the fire.

I think it betrays my vision how Idle I gaze

Stagnant, stood still, catching an eye full of days.

Observing life from distance, learning lack in an instant

The desire to breath burns me, yearning like and infant.

My presence on that pedestal is written in stars

I’m whittling, working hard till its filling my heart

Right in spirit, right in mind, right in body and soul

That with the fire in me the world will acknowledge my goal.

My Mind

Tetanus tainted tools tucked tidy and tall

the guards of all my memories are hiding the walls

shelf to shelf of self in a shell full of thought

my potent deluded state of mind’s a health of a sort

health of distort, bohemian, unhealthy retort

to reality disrupting my delicate fort

a guise for the inner me, obscured from my enemies

My individuality is procuring an energy.

my departure from a sanity, requires some help

but i have a patchy allaby that I’m required to tell

freedom of speech, unique, changing the the script

My infantile id, lives in an ageless abyss

astranged from all my sences the five of us fall

succulent slaughter of sence so many adore

so deaf i stayed suspended in a bubble of peace

blissfully ignorant home of my sleep, grows with the weeks

 

 

Blockbuster

We’ve all been there before, nestled in the clutches of boredom, shells of our former selves. Just sitting at home enduring one of life’s many preludes to excitement. Seconds feel longer, hours are nothing more than long droney sustained chords in an orchestra of tedium. The cupboards become prime hunting grounds and the best past time becomes stuffing your face.

In those moments, lost for inspiration, the lulling, coasting and ambling through the monotonous peace of personal space leave a demand to be filled.

What to do, what to do??

Our kindred folk and the assortment of mischief and sensibility we call friends might hold the key, the solution to unlocking some form of entertainment. Knights in assorted colored cladding of Armour.

Top solution …

A good old fashioned movie night! Who can say no to one of those.

Simply classic.

Credit immediately goes out to the pioneers, whose hard work an ingenuity, has provided the perfect excuse NOT to work hard.

Bring in the popcorn!!

The power of a moving picture to validate any voluntary or involuntary solitude can only be matched by that infantile fascination with an inanimate object. Even the humble paper clip alone has kept the young, and not so young me entertained for an illogical length of time. A good movie raises less eye brows, and makes for less work.

Here is where a team effort is required, consult your phone book, with obvious discretion.

Friends and family are an irreplaceable recourse in the field of suggestions. With a diverse collection of personalities and complimenting tastes in movies and interests, they can provide a hearty list of movies of which you can whittle down.

Not like you have anything better to do.

A recommended movie can be a lot like a blind date. A casual encounter with a friend of a friend, two strangers sharing the best part of an evening together.

Naturally whoever made the introduction has one job at hand, to sweeten up the deal! No one will willingly devote more than an hour of their life to a mystery date without some gentle persuasion. Experience has taught me that ignorance isn’t so blissful. The Human Centipede didn’t turn out to be the ground breaking documentary the title suggested.

The beloved match makers can vary in enthusiasm, taking there sweet time (or not) talking up this date. If this sales pitch is a team effort, the enthusiasm gives birth to such syncopated euphoria, echoing each other in chaotic cannon. They do there best impression of a used car sales man, a theatrical display of physical convulsions and verbal diarrhea.  The potency of enthusiasm cloaks the air thickly smothering doubt and setting the breeding ground for active curiosity.

The mind swims with so many ideas and solutions, the ideas grow irrevocably, and the mundane is moot.The empty space between excitement and excitement is filled with ample excitement and entertainment.

My paper clip origami is unparalleled, mastery that was over a decade in the making. But every now and the a good movie is a relaxing, healthy even. I need to stock up for my contribution to curing the boredom.

Its the simple things that make me smile.

The dull moments are robbed of there potency, made bright by the ember’s of the fires forged through time. Thanks go out to the daring few who stand so close to the epicenter of my lunacy and throw the occasional life raft when I’m wading in sanity.